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(FanFic) Broken but Undamaged (New) 9/5/09

 
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Emmz



Зарегистрирован: 23.03.2009
Сообщения: 190
Откуда: Dublin, IRELAND!

СообщениеДобавлено: Вт Май 05, 2009 10:17 pm    Заголовок сообщения: (FanFic) Broken but Undamaged (New) 9/5/09 Ответить с цитатой

Hey everyone! So Ive finally decided to write a fanfic. Ive been wanting to write one for ages now but could never come up with a good enough idea. Anyway i think I'm on to something with this one Smile. I really don't know if its any good, after reading all the amazing fics that are up here i kind of feel embarrassed posting it! But anyway I would love for any of you to leave as much feedback as possible whether it be good or bad, advice etc. And let me know if i should continue writing it or not Smile.

Chapter 1

My heart broke as I saw the rose hit the pinewood of the coffin. It all hit me then that it was all real and I wasn’t dreaming and that my life would never be the same again
I stood for what seemed like hours, just staring into the three six feet deep graves in front of me. I couldn’t help breaking down into hysterical crying, I knew people were staring but I didn’t care! I had lost everything that I held dear to me. As my emotions took over I collapsed into the mud, burying me short dark hair in the mound of flowers in front of me. If it wasn’t for my stupid soccer match they’d still bee here I sobbed. I couldn’t control my emotions anymore, they were gone… gone … and never coming back! I couldn’t bear the aching in my chest as the tears flowed out of me. I suddenly swung around when I felt a hand on my shoulder, I looked into the mahogany eyes of my soccer coach Sergey, he squeezed my shoulder and gave me a consoling look. He offered his hand for me to get up, I accepted and he pulled me into a comforting hug “I’m so sorry Yul, If there is anything I can do just name it” He whispered to me, I smiled and shook m head. I looked into his pitying face, I hated that, I didn’t want anyone’s pity; I just wanted to be left alone. Sergey’s face suddenly turned serious “Yul you must promise me one thing!” I looked at him questionably and cocked my head to the side as if they say what, “You must promise not to let your talent go to waste because of this little accident, your amazing on the field and …. I was fuming and couldn’t help my outburst, “Little accident? LITTLE ACCIDENT?! What do you mean LITTLE ACCIDENT?!” he squinted as my voice began to rise even higher “My whole family is dead! Everyone I have ever cared about is lying dead in the ground and its all because of soccer! And you come here telling me I should continue playing?!” “Yul I ...” he started before I screamed again “I am never going to touch another football again and I will never as long as I live and breathe will I step a foot on soccer pitch again!” “But Yul…” I couldn’t listen to anymore. I was running, I had to get away from him. I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I ran but I didn’t care, I had to get home. When I reached my house I took a long look at it taking in the entire exterior, it was so beautiful. It won’t be long now I thought as I shoved the key in the lock and swung the door open.
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t.A.T.u FOREVER!



My fanfic: Broken but Undamaged:
http://www.tatu.ru/forum/viewtopic.php?t=29477


Последний раз редактировалось: Emmz (Сб Май 09, 2009 3:13 pm), всего редактировалось 1 раз
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Nick0123



Зарегистрирован: 23.03.2009
Сообщения: 136
Откуда: Florida east coast, United States

СообщениеДобавлено: Ср Май 06, 2009 3:33 am    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

Hey Emmz! It's a good start, all I can say is adjust the format of them speaking, like in my stories how they are spaced, sometimes easier for people to read, otherwise I liked the opening, can't wait to read more ^_^
_________________
Crossed Lines - http://www.tatu.ru/forum/viewtopic.php?t=29847

Finished Fics
All Their Love - http://www.tatu.ru/forum/viewtopic.php?t=28930
Fire and Lightning - http://www.tatu.ru/forum/viewtopic.php?t=30017
Nothing Can Stop Us - http://www.tatu.ru/forum/viewtopic.php?t=29002
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Emmz



Зарегистрирован: 23.03.2009
Сообщения: 190
Откуда: Dublin, IRELAND!

СообщениеДобавлено: Сб Май 09, 2009 3:06 pm    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

Ok so here's the 2nd chapter. Im still deciding whether to continue this or not, so feedback would be very helpful Smile.
Thanks Nick0123 The format still isnt the best but im working on it Smile.

Chapter 2

I stared into the vacant hallway and couldn’t help the tears escaping my eyes as I was constantly reminded of the loved ones I’ve lost. The smell’s, pictures, cups, plates, food, it was too much, everything reminded me of them. I went upstairs heading straight for my parents room. I collapsed on the bed and clutched the pillows “why did you leave me? WHY?!” I sobbed uncontrollably until I couldn’t remember anything anymore.
I was woken by load knocking and ringing at the door “shit” I muttered. I knew they would come but I didn’t think it would be this soon. I checked the clock, it was 7Am the next day “must have dozed off” I muttered as the knocking got louder and the bell was going non stop. I didn’t want to leave, I knew I had too I just really didn’t feel like being told where to go. I was awoken from my thoughts when a loud booming voice came from behind the door

“Miss Volkova, Open up! We know you’re in there!”

I sighed and didn’t dare move Maybe they’d think I’ve done a runner and leave I thought.
“Miss Volkova if you do not cooperate we will gain entry by force!”

I sighed “no such luck” I muttered to myself. I slowly walked down the stairs to the front door where I could see large figures through the frosted glass.

“Miss Volkova I’m going to give you till the count of thr…”

I stopped him mid sentence when I swung open the door and was greeted with a stunned police officer, a young man and a young woman.

“Oh … ah ehh Miss Volkova these social workers wish too speak with you”

the officer stuttered still in shock from being caught off guard by me opening the door. I stared blankly at the social workers, they both smiled widely at me, I gave them a questionable look as if to say “What the fuck do you want?” Finally the woman broke the silence

“Yulia would it be ok if we come in?”

I stared back at her before answering coldly

“Do I even have a choice? Looks like you’ve already made up your mind what to do with me!”

They both frowned, I just stepped aside motioning for them to come in. I lead them to the sitting room and sighed more memories I thought as I looked at the photo of me and Dima in our soccer uniforms.

“Oh that’s a great photo” The man exclaimed “So you play soccer then?”

“Not anymore!” I snapped back at him.

I examined the two of them the woman was dressed in a bright pink hoodie, light blue jeans, and a pair of pink high top converse; she had a very young face and blonde hair which she had tied back in a pony tail. The man was wearing a the Russia national team soccer jersey, I couldn’t help smile remembering I had at least ten of them in my wardrobe, a pair of navy tracksuit bottoms and white Nike trainers, He had light brown hair which was lightly spiked and a small goatee.
I motioned for them to take a seat on the couch, I sat in my usual armchair and waited for them to explain what I already knew was going to happen.

“So Yulia, I guess you already know why we are here” the woman began, I just nodded in response

“You also know that it is nothing personal and that we are just doing are jobs. As social workers it is are duty to make sure every youth is cared properly for under the age of 18. As you have no living relatives and are under the age of 18 we have no choice but to admit you to one of our group homes” She continued, I just nodded again trying to let this nightmare sink in.

“You are 14 yes?”

I nodded

“And you will be turning 15 in February?”

“Yes” I whispered.

“Seeing as we are going to be seeing a lot of each other in the future, you might as well know are names” The woman smiled playfully, I winced at the thought of seeing a lot of them, “I’m Sofia and this is Vlad”

“Hi” Vlad waved an idiotic wave as if he was dealing with a little two year old.

I sighed “So when do I have to go to the group home?” I asked

“You will have to leave with us today. Take as much time as you need to gather your things, you can leave some of your belongings here and we can send some one to pick them up for you.” I shook my head

“Would you like some help packing” Sofia asked kindly

“No its o.k.” was all I could manage.

“O.k. take as much time as you need, we’ll wait in the car.”

With that they left the living room and headed for their car.


I couldn’t believe that I had fitted my entire life into three suitcases! Including photos, dvd’s, keepsakes etc. I stared around my empty room a tear escaping as I looked at the empty shelves once filled with books and colourful photos, I turned to leave, but something caught my eye, It was the most recent family photo I had, How could I be forgetting this! I thought. It was a great photo we were all so happy. It was taken in animal kingdom in Florida only three weeks ago; it had been the best holiday ever! My mom and Dad looked amazing my dad and my black hair standing out (especially my Mohawk!) Dima’s light brownish auburn hair with its usual red shine from the sun and my mothers beautiful auburn hair which I had always thought was a little more red than auburn. I picked up the photo and stowed it in my backpack before lugging all my cases downstairs. I opened the front door and saw Sofia and Vlad sitting in the front seats of a silver Nissan galaxy, Vlad smiled when he saw me and immediately jumped out of the car and grabbed the cases from me, I gave him a slight smile as he hopped back in the front seat after stowing my cases in the boot of the car. I took one last look around before shutting the door for the last time and headed for the car.


Continue?
_________________
t.A.T.u FOREVER!



My fanfic: Broken but Undamaged:
http://www.tatu.ru/forum/viewtopic.php?t=29477
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*Mimi*



Зарегистрирован: 16.10.2007
Сообщения: 2466
Откуда: Florida, USA

СообщениеДобавлено: Пн Май 11, 2009 8:08 pm    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

Yes you should continue! I'm liking it so far! Cool
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Ava & Sig: Made By Me!
Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control.
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Nick0123



Зарегистрирован: 23.03.2009
Сообщения: 136
Откуда: Florida east coast, United States

СообщениеДобавлено: Сб Май 23, 2009 2:45 am    Заголовок сообщения: Ответить с цитатой

It's a sad story! I couldn't imagine being in that position ever. Your format has improved =D I really want to see what happens. I hope she plays soccer again that would be fun to read about! I say you should continue!

Sorry for the late response Craving I kept looking for the story but I couldn't find it, so I just looked at your past posts and found it!
_________________
Crossed Lines - http://www.tatu.ru/forum/viewtopic.php?t=29847

Finished Fics
All Their Love - http://www.tatu.ru/forum/viewtopic.php?t=28930
Fire and Lightning - http://www.tatu.ru/forum/viewtopic.php?t=30017
Nothing Can Stop Us - http://www.tatu.ru/forum/viewtopic.php?t=29002
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